Baby Blues

Besides dressing that thing up in blue, I'm beginning to understand what baby blues mean. It's feeling afraid when there's nothing to be afraid of, having silly dreams of asking strangers to be the kid's father, feeling pity on everyone and everything and crying when watching Kindergarten Cop or the poor kittens on TV looking for their mother.

It does not help when you have the worst child paedaetrician who would only talk to babies as if they'd understand and make decisions with them. It's worse when you see your little one in yellow being put under the blue lights and having a black mask over his eyes that will block his neurons from developing over the two days. It does not help either when you are told by a horrid paedaetrician to stop breastfeeding because the baby is allergic to your milk and you have to watch the poor thing crying coz he has to be fed cow's milk instead through a bottle and squeeze out rubbery stools till his face turns red. It does not help either when you have to milk out and possibly throw it all away in the basin and watch it slowly trickling down to waste. It does not help too when you have no space on the bed and you have to watch your other half sleeping on the floor. And it definitely does not help watching him going shopping for baby stuff, having breakfast and attending functions all by himself.

Such pitiful feelings one has over small matters like these when you have to reverse the hormones that you've been gradually carrying over 38 weeks out of a sudden.

What C-Section?

The first question I asked my doc when I was wheeled out of the surgery room, "When can I eat?" Oh yes, of all questions, this was the one and only question I had. Makes me sound like an idiot. It was not "When can I feel my legs?" or "When will I feel pain?" or "What should I do in an emergency".... I guess that is just me. I've been thinking of Ben & Jerry's and Haagen Dazs, sashimi and half boiled eggs with toasted bread, J Co dougnuts and ice-kacang just the day before. My doc's answer was surprsingly, "Now." "Now? As in now, now?" "Yup."

I thought the woman next to me in my previous stay had to wait till her first fart before the glucose drip can be taken off and she could start drinking and eating. That took more than a day and a half! How come mine is different?

So anyway, besides the eating part and glucose drips which was taken off me as soon as I reached the ward, there was no morphine machine. No offers of painkilling jabs although I was told to ask for it if I needed it. The only thing that came to me was a miserable pill supposingly, ponstan, the ones that women normally take for their monthly sufferings. I know I once blogged about not being able to feel any physical pain but that doesn't mean the condition will last forever...

Makes me wonder, did I actually go through a C-Section? Maybe it was a D-Section (like 'dissecting' an insect or a frog).

The Day That Changed Lives

6th May 2008 - It was the day after all. I woke up at 6am, just half hour earlier than normal work days. Took my bath and washed my hair, something that due to culture, I would not be able to do for the next two weeks. I got driven to the hospital. This time around, it's a totally different scenario. I walked in to the hospital myself, got checked in and walked to the maternity ward like I was going to visit a friend.

I had requested to be scanned for one last time just to reconfirm if natural birth wasn't possible. They prepared me as if it was the day. I told them, hey, if everything is fine, I will be walking out of this hospital and going back to work you know. They wheeled me up to the doc saying that it was a priority to be wheeled even if I can walk. Keeping my fingers crossed, I was still hoping for a miracle. Unfortunately, the scan wasn't on my side that day. It was confirmed then that that was the day. In fact if it was a miracle, I would have come back to the hospital in another few days coz of the contractions I had. I had in fact felt some birth pains for a couple for days. I was to be wheeled in to the surgery room at 9am.

Thing were a little blur after that. I've totally forgotten what was being done to me till I was wheeled on the hospital bed into the surgery room. I wasn't panicking, fortunately, and nothing scared me yet. All I could see after all was the white ceiling which I was trying to concentrate on so I wouldn't feel dizzy moving on my back. It's a funny feeling when you're awake and moving forward on your back looking at the celing.

I was rolled onto another bed in the room before the real surgery room. Some women in blue asked me lots of questions, like "are you allergic to anything", four or five times by different women in blue. This woman in pink asked me to remember to tell the doctor that they've taken my blood for the blood cord cell company. Oh yes, I shall definitely remember to tell the doctor that when he's halfway through the surgery. Someone poked me..I wish it was like facebook's poke where I can poke back. I was left there for a while to witness another man (why on earth is the man in a maternity ward?) going into surgery.

Five minutes before 9am, I was finally wheeled into the real surgery room. Oh wow...I didn't know it was so serious. It's just like the surgery rooms in ER or House where there are those round lights, lots of them on this round thing on the roof and that metal surgery table. I was again rolled over to the surgery table like I'm an invalid or something. Hey...I am still as human, I wanted to tell them. But they rolled me over anyway. Another doctor came and asked me what I've been asked by the blue women again. Then she finally said she was going to poke me and it's going to hurt and when she pumps in the painkiller, it's going to be painful but only for a while. Umm...OK, do I have a choice? Can I go to surgery without any of these? Oh well! She did it and it actually didn't hurt like she said it would. I wish they would just tell the truth or maybe it was reverse psychology - they make you think it's going to hurt like hell so that when they finally poke you, you don't feel it at all.

She asked me after 5 minutes if I could feel my legs. I said yes. Can I move my legs? Yes and I moved it for her to see. After another 5 minutes, it was the same answer. Ehhhh....am I not supposed to be numb and can't do anything to my legs anymore? I guess my brain power was more powerful than what she pumped in. Or maybe I was just dreaming. They strapped my hand (as if I was going to scream and hit someone during the surgery) and put a small curtain after my chest. Hey....why can't I look? You're going to do something to me and I can't see?

My doc came and did something. I can only hear him asking the surgical team (about 10 of them?) for things that I didn't really understand. Was it scalpel, scissors, screwdriver, hammer...something like that, just like those hospital shows. Then he finally said "push, help me push". Was he referring to me? I thought this was not normal birth and I still had to push? OK...I'll try....Then he said..."3 loops!" And he laughed a little. I must have been crazy to think that the 3 loops will untangle by itself.

Then I heard some baby gurgling and then he was was howling like crazy......

I only thought of one thing then - is it over? I didn't even know when it started. I thought nothing was done yet! So the numbing medication did work after all.

After everyone got out of the room, inlcuding the howling thing, it was only my doc and two or three green people. This time, different terms were mentioned. I forgot what it was cause I was tired and fell asleep on the operating table.....

Note from observer: They made a big cut on me and blood squirted out and spilled on the floor. Something like a murder case. What??? All these while I'm awake and you put a curtain over me???

To be continued......

Yoga Baby

I am so not prepared for this. I'd been telling friends that I've not gone for any preparation classes and will just start panicking there and then itself. But what I'm faced with right now isn't what I've pictured it all out to be. OK, I admit, my panic started last weekend. I'm one who is all out for all things natural. Not giving me this choice makes me panic more than anything else.

I think doing too much yoga before all this happened might have something to do with all this. Someone is definitely following in my footsteps and have twirled himself around many, many times. First, he had three rounds of cord around, then some weeks later, none at all, then two weeks later, two cords and last week, it was three again.

I have been speechless since last week when the doc said there's no way anything can be done naturally with 3 cords around. Jeez..I am so not prepared to go with knives, morphines and those tubes to urinate! What's more I'd been happily notifying my HR department that I will be working until the very last minute but now I have to sit at home just in case I need to get to my doc within half hour.

So, anyway, I would think this is my last post for a while, while I prepare myself to face the knives next week. Hopefully that yoga baby uncoils itself before that. Go baby go, do your yoga stuff again!

Of Plastic Bags and carriers on eBay

Did I say I sold paper bags? Well, I sold a plastic bag this time.....

eBay is a fun place to be on. Not just because one can clear off junk in there but one can also get loads of cheap stuff. I have been looking for a baby carrier for months - one that can fit a 'gwailor' sized person. The Malaysian made ones, although they're cheap, ranging from RM29 to RM100 would never fit one who's over 5ft 8. I am adamant about not being the one who has to carry the heavy load after 'it' gets lifted off me for good. 38 weeks, 24 by 7 carrying that extra 20kg of weight is more than enough to put me first place in a heavy weight championship.

Now back to the carrier, I was first introduced to it by an imported magazine. I didn't know that I can buy this from Malaysia until I saw a friend using it. My search for that 'gwailor' enabled size carrier came to a halt when I saw the prices - RM399 to RM599! Gawd....to pass on that heavy weight off me just for that few months before it walks costs this much?

Thankfully, the same friend gave me the idea of searching for it on eBay - there are tons of that carrier with prices ranging from RM40 onwards. Of course shipping is expensive but heck, it'll never be more than RM150 in total! I've been crazily bidding for the stuff for the past few weeks and finally managed to win one. I'm now thinking of bidding on all the rest which are listed as well and reselling them on eBay Malaysia, giving other 'gwailor' sized Malaysians the chance to use this award winning thing.

Hmm...looks like I will be busy for the next two months while I'm on holiday....